Grief Triggered

My crockpot quit working this weekend... and I cried. It was frustrating because I use it a lot, and I had just bought a roast. I had filled the crockpot with meat, potatoes, carrots, mushrooms, and onion... and was looking forward to a meal I had not prepared in several months. It was frustrating because I had spent my expendable income the day before on things that could have waited another month. But, none of the above is why I cried.

I cried because Caitlyn gave it to me. I had a large family-sized one; it was so big I cooked an 8 lb turkey in it one Thanksgiving when my oven quit. I had told Caitlyn that it was getting more difficult for me to pick up, even when empty.

She didn't buy a new one but simply gave me the one in her kitchen. When I realized it wasn't working, my mind immediately was flooded with the memories of us talking and laughing about what I could make for her... since she never cooked anything in it. I could picture her smiling face as clearly as if she had just handed it to me.

Suddenly, I was reminded that those moments will never happen again. Throwing it away brought another flood of tears. It felt like I was giving away another part of her. It's been almost 18 months since she died, but unexpected things and memories still have the power to remind me of the person I loved so dearly and lost.

Ironically, I have been wanting to buy another crockpot, even smaller than hers, but I never thought it would be such an emotional experience. Despite everything, there does come a time to move on. The crockpot is certainly replaceable! Caitlyn is not but I am reminded that I will see her again, healed and whole, and never again to be parted. She is safe with the Lord for now.

Caitlyn the Giver

Caitlyn was mischievous, beautiful, exasperating, opinionated, stubborn, optimistic, and more... but most of all she was a generous giver of time and resources.

The first time I noticed her desire to give was when she was about 3 or 4. She heard about the "March for Jesus" our church was participating in, which included a food drive. That afternoon she told me she needed bags. I walked into the kitchen to find my cabinets and refrigerator completely emptied. When I asked why, her reply was, "Jesus needs food!" 


A couple of years later, when she learned of the Building Fund for our new church building, she rushed down to the Sunday School class I taught and breathlessly exclaimed, "Quick! I need a quarter!" In response to my, "Why?" Caitlyn excitedly told me, "We're building a new church! Somebody has to pay for it!"


In 5th grade, I was not at all surprised to hear her class gathered the

most food for the canned food drive. My cabinets were emptied more than once. At least she did not grab the perishables or open containers this time.

Once she became a teen, my refrigerator was sometimes emptied because she noticed friends in my neighborhood had no food. She would also tell me of clothing needs because I volunteered at a local clothing ministry.

For several months, she would stop by my house before her Youth Group to ask for $5 to buy a drink. When I once asked why she needed that much, she explained that one girl who came never had money so she always bought hers too. 

As she became an adult --- a wife and a mother, her compassion grew even stronger. She would give to anybody who had a need if she had it to give... or knew of someone else who had it. A few months ago she became aware of Cullman's Little Pantry and encouraged others to donate food.

She genuinely cared about her friends, and even strangers she encountered. Caitlyn was the one person I could depend upon if I needed to go to the store, or my computer or phone worked on or just to see if I wanted to get out of the house for a bit. She was more than my grandchild, she became my friend. She was far from perfect, and we had some strong differences of opinions more than once, but I never doubted her generosity and love of me and others. I doubt the hole in my heart and life will ever be completely filled but the memories will encourage me to try to be more like her generous spirit... and to let her babies know the kind of mama they had.

Caitlyn Paige Burton Ross
Oct 3, 1995 ~ Sept 27, 2018

Sleeping Under The Stars ~ August 14, 2010

The Perseid Meteor Showers are making their annual appearance. It has been years since I lived in an area where I could actually see anything, but I always try. Watching a starry night fascinates me almost as much as a thunderstorm. They both remind me of the magnificence and omnipotence of God.

Thursday night was supposed to be the best viewing night, but there was simply too much cloud cover. However, I did enjoy just sitting outside and communing with God. Last night, I made the decision that I would sit outside again. I had not had a very good day, and just really needed to pour out my heart to the One who loves me and understands.

After about 20 minutes, Caitlyn wandered out to see if I had seen a meteorite yet. I told her no, but that I was going to get a blanket and just lay outside for a while. Caitlyn decided to join me, and as we lay on the blanket talking, it began to get a bit chilly. I volunteered to go in for another blanket. When I returned, she excitedly exclaimed that she had seen 2 streak by!! I really am happy for her. 😄🌟

We continued lying there, gazing at the skies and talking both of serious matters and total nonsense. The next thing I knew, I was waking up...and it was 4:30am. I may not have seen a meteorite, but I did add a treasured memory of time spent with my precious granddaughter. God is sooo good!!!

"He made all the stars--the Bear and Orion, the Pleiades and the constellations of the southern sky". ~ Job 9:9
(New Living Translation ©2007)