The Familiar Stranger

Sometimes the pain of losing a loved one is most profound and painful when the loss occurs among the living. When it's a person you have known literally her entire life... she's known you both inside and out--- yet your relationship is that of strangers. Worse, a stranger you are leery of being around for fear of emotional assault. I hear, "I love you" but, as I have always told my family (and everybody else), "Actions speak louder than words." I want to believe, but there is no evidence to back the claim.

I see her, but am nervous to approach. Speaking is even worse. Will I be treated as family or friend... or quickly be put in my place for daring to speak? It's like attempting to cross a minefield that contains both live ammo and duds; I may escape unscathed or I may endure emotional battle scars that are never allowed to heal. If she has to come to my house, it's almost always when she knows I am not home or probably asleep. So I hate to go to hers where she is obligated to be near me.

One of the hardest parts is that I have never known what I did wrong. I guess that makes me even more intolerable in her eyes. I know she is loved by many and has a reputation of being wise, caring, compassionate, giving, and willing to do anything for anyone and I am very proud of her. Sometimes I even get to be "anyone" but only enough to give me a tiny bit of hope. Goodness knows I am very far from being the person I want to be yet no one else on earth makes me feel like I should apologize for everything I do. Especially if that something requires her to spend time with me. Over the years I have learned to set emotional boundaries with everyone, but I do find a bit of ironic humor in the fact that the main person who most frequently tells me I should be more trusting of others is one of THE main reasons I don't trust people with my heart.

Although it breaks my heart, the familiar beloved face of one whom I would willingly lay down my life for avoids me as much as possible, I love her too much to force myself into her life. Unless she ever wants more, I will keep my distance from the familiar stranger I will occasionally see.